Deidara's Secret
by zubification
Summary: Deidara has a secret. Sasori finds out and now he is blackmailing then HELL out Deidara.What will happen? What's the secret? Read to find out! Also, only rated M for cussing and suggestive language! Yes, I know, I suck at summaries
1. Chapter 1

**A/N ok so a Dei/Saso story… it **_**may**_** or may **_**not**_** be yaoi.**

Sasori was getting really pissed at Deidara. He'd been getting ready for an hour now.

"DEIDARA!! We are not going to the prom!! So hurry up!!!" Sasori screamed to Deidara through the door.

"I'll be out soon!!!" Sasori heard Deidara scream back.

Ten minutes later, Deidara still hadn't come out. _HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO GET DRESSED!!!!!!_ Sasori started banging on the door.

"GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE!!!!"

"Two minu-"

"COMMING IN!!!!" Sasori screamed busting the door in. He looked around and saw Deidara. "Wha!!!" and ran out the room.

Deidara screamed and ran into the bathroom.

"Um… Deidara… how about we don't go out?"

"Good with me, un…"

A few weeks later, the Akatsuki are sitting watching TV. Things had been a little weird between Sasori and Deidara since that night. They didn't talk much anymore. But they were getting better. In fact, Sasori was planning something for Deidara.

"Funny, how we're watching a movie about a girl acting like a dude, huh, Deidara?" Sasori said, smiling at Deidara.

"N-not really, un…" Deidara said nervously. (They were watching 'She's the Man')

"I KNEW IT!!!!!" Tobi screamed suddenly.

"WHAT!?!? HOW YOU FIND OUT, UN!?!?" Deidara screamed at Tobi.

"It's in the movie, sempai… See tampons work on nosebleeds." Tobi replied kinda scared.

Itachi glared at the three of them and they all shut up. You see this is Itachi's favorite movie and he didn't like being interrupted while watching it.

Sasori's mind was working like crazy. _Oh, I am _SO _using this as blackmail!!!! _He stared psocholy (A/N I know that's not a word but Sasori is going too be really evil and I wanted to put psycho in there) at Deidara, who saw it and began to get afraid. _What if he tells someone, un!!! That would _SO _not be good!!! _Deidara thought as he grimaced at Sasori.

"Deidara, I'm hungry, go make me food! Popcorn!" Sasori said, knowing Deidara would do it.

"Hell n-um, ok, un!" Deidara changed his mind when he saw the evil smile on Sasori's face. He ran to the kitchen to make the popcorn. "What kind do you want, un?!?! Kettle Korn, Normal, Extra butter, Lite?!?!" came Deidara's voice from the kitchen.

"Shut up, asshole!!!" Konan screamed at Deidara. She and Pein were "watching" the movie, too. By watching, I mean they were making out on the couch while everyone else watched the movie.

"Kettle Korn!" Sasori yelled to Deidara. There was the sound of plastic rustling, the microwave being opened, buttons being pushed, and popcorn popping. Deidara finally came out with a bowl of popcorn, handed it to Sasori, and sat down to watch the movie. Ten minutes later, Sasori turned to Deidara, "Deidara, I'm thirsty."

"What do you want, un?" Deidara said with a sigh.

""Eggnog."

"Eggnog? It's the middle of March! Why do you want eggnog!?!?"

"I. Want. Egg. Nog."

"We don't have eggnog!"

Itachi turned to the two while they bickered. "Hn." He considered using Mangekyo Sharingan on Sasori; put him in a world with no puppets… or eggnog. But then he would miss his favorite movie… whatever…

"Deidara. Get. Me. Egg. Nog." Sasori said, using his eyes to tell Deidara, _or else I'll tell them your secret. _

"Um… I'll try to find some." Deidara said, getting up. _Where the _HELL _am I going to find eggnog at 9 at night in the middle of March!?!?! _

A few hours later, way after the movie was over, Deidara came back. And he had Sasori's eggnog. "Here you go. And if I keep doing what you want, will you not tell them my secret?"

Sasori took his eggnog and started walking away. "Maybe."

A/N WHAT IS DEIDARA'S SECRET!?!? KEEP READING TO LEARN!!! I also need other evil things Sasori can do to Deidara!!! So tell me what you think!!!!


	2. Chapter 2

**Sorry for the wait, I'm moving and I don't have internet at the moment, so ENJOY!!! (There are a few spoilers in it involving Sasuke and Itachi.)**

Deidara sighed as he pulled Sasori's laundry out of the dryer. _OH, GROSS!!!! SASORI'S UNDERWEAR!!! DISGUSTING!!!! _He picked them up between his thumb and first finger and threw it across the room into the basket. He then proceeded to do the "gross" dance which consisted of him hopping from foot to foot, shaking his hands profusely, and saying "ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, EW!!!!!!" He did this for a few minutes and finally regained his composure. He sighed again and took the laundry basket up to Sasori's room.

"Here you go, un," he said, dropping the basket.

"Thank you, oh and I think you should polish my puppets." Sasori said, throwing a soda can in the trash.

"Ok, which ones?" Deidara sighed.

"All of them."

"WHAT?!?! THAT WOULD TAKE LIKE THREE DAYS NON-STOP!!!!"

"I know, that's why you're doing it and not me."

"God, I hate you, un."

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing, jackass."

"What did you say?"

"Nothing, un," Deidara said, walking out.

Four days later

Deidara and Sasori were sitting in the Akatsuki's living room, watching TV. "Man Television sucks today." Sasori said flipping through the channels and finally turning it off. "Tell me a story to entertain me."

"No"

"Yes you will… or something might slip out."

"GROSS!!! I DON'T WANNA SEE THAT THING!!!"

"I didn't mean _that!!!_ Gawd, you're perverted!!!"

"Ok, one day-"

"It has to start with once upon a time."

"Ok, once upon a time, un, Sasori knew Deidara's secret and Deidara blew up Sasori."

"And doesn't involve explosions."

"Fine, once upon a time, a goose drank wine, a m-"

"That makes sense!!! And has puppets in it."

"OK!!! Once upon a time, there was a little blonde-haired puppet, un, and a little red-haired puppet. The little blonde-haired puppet had a secret and the little red-haired puppet knew it and was blackmailing the HELL out of the little blonde-haired puppet, un. And so the little blonde-haired puppet blew the little red-haired puppet to smithereens!!! Mwahahaha-!!!"

"No explosives."

"Oh, yeah, un… Fine, the little blonde-haired puppet fed the little red-haired puppet to a little back and white plant thing puppet."

"The red-haired puppet can't die."

"FINE!!!!!!!! THE LITTLE BLONDE-HAIRED PUPPET GOT REALLY PISSED AND THREW THE LITTLE RED-HAIRED PUPPET INTO THE LAKE IN A CONCRETE BOX!!!!! BUT THE LITTLE RED-HAIRED PUPPET WOULDN'T _**DIE!!!!**_"

"And they all lived-"

"HAPPILY FUCKING AFTER!!!! GOD DAMMIT!!!"

"…"

"…"

Sasori stared at Deidara blankly when Tobi walked. Tobi saw Deidara pissed off and asked, "Deidara-sempai, are you PMSing?"

"NO!!!!" and then Deidara proceeded to pummel the shit out of Tobi.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!MOOOOOOOOOMMMMMYYYYYY!!! DEIDARA IS BEING MEAN AND HURTING ME!!!!!!" Tobi screamed at Konan who had just walked in.

Konan stood there for a minute, realized Tobi had called her mom and screamed at him, "I'M NOT YOUR MOTHER!!!!! AND DEIDARA, STOP BEATING UP TOBI!!!! NOW!!!!" Deidara had to stop and Tobi ran over to Konan and gave her a hug, "Thanks mommy!!!"

"I'M NOT YOUR MOTHER AND WILL NEVER _BE _A MOTHER!!!!"

Pein happened to be walking by at that moment, "That's what _you_ say."

"Wait, what's that supposed to mean?" Konan asked turning to Pein.

"Oh, nothing."

"It means, un, he wants _kids_?!?!" Deidara said, kinda surprised himself.

"HOMIE SAY _WHAT?!?!" _everyone yelled, turning to Pein.

"_WHAT?!?!"_

"IF YOU WANT KIDS SO MUCH, GET YOURSELF PREGNANT!!!!"

"YOU CAN DO THAT?!?!"

"NO YOU IDIOT!!! SHE'S SAYING SHE DOESN'T WANT KIDS!!!" Deidara screamed at Pein.

"HOW DO YOU KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT GIRLS?!?!"

"BECAUSE… because… BECAUSE I DO, UN!!!!"

"Mommy, I'm scared. Everyone's yelling at each other." Tobi said, pulling on Konan's coat.

"I'M. NOT. YOUR. _**MOTHER!!!!!!"**_ Konan screamed down at Tobi. This made Tobi start crying. "No, don't cry," she said, kneeling down and patting Tobi on the head.

"No wonder he thinks you're his mom."

"Love you mom," Tobi said, hugging Konan and running out.

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Were you high when you hiring people for this?" Konan asked Pein.

"No… Why?"

"Deidara is an explosive-obsessed 'artist' that says 'un' way too much…"

"HEY, U-!!!!" Deidara yelled, stopping himself right before saying 'un'.

"Sasori is a puppet thing…"

"HEY!!!" Sasori screamed as Hidan walked in.

"Hidan is a religious idiot that whines too much…"

"JASHIN DAMN YOU!!!" Hidan said, realizing she was talking about him just as Kakuza walked in.

"Kakuza is a money obsessed freak that sews way too good for a dude…"

"BITCH!!!" Kakuza said when Zetsu came in.

"Zetsu is a plant thing that eats people and argues with himself…"

(italicized is _white side,_ bold is **black side) **"**Wha?"**

"_She insulted us."_

"**WHAT?!?! I'M GONNA EAT HER!!!!"**

"_Don't, we'll get in trouble."_

"**I DON'T CARE!!!"**

"_Yes you do."_

"**NO I DON'T!!!!"**

"_YES!!! You do!!!" _Then Zetsu continued arguing with himself and left the room.

"Kisame is a freaky fish thing…"

And guess who had just walked in… DING DING DING!!! YOU GUESSED RIGHT, KISAME!!!! "Fish?"

"Itachi is a mass murderer that only kept his brother alive so he could rip his eyes out when he himself goes blind…" (spoiler)**  
**

"Hn." Itachi said as he walked in.

"And Tobi… Tobi is just Tobi… There's too many things wrong with Tobi to say…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"True…" they all said together.

"I'm bored…" Sasori said looking towards Deidara. "Sing."

"What? No."

"Alright then, guys, guess what."

"Hm?"

"No wait!!!" Deidara whispered trying to stop Sasori

Sasori saw this and instead of saying the secret, he said, "Deidara is gonna sing for us."

Deidara looked around, "Any requests?"

"Um… I know!!! Sing That's What You Get!!! You know, by Paramore!!! I love that song!!!" Kisame said, turning chibi.

Everyone turned and looked at him with a 'wtf' expression, "A _girl _sings that song, and I'm a _guy_!!!" Deidara said, looking pissed.

"Well, _I_ think it's a good idea." Sasori said, smirking at Deidara, who sent a death glare back to him, basically saying _I. Am. Going. To. KILL YOU!!! DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEE EVIL BEAST!!!_

"Fine then," Deidara said out loud, looking away.

"You're actually gonna sing that? What did you lose a bet or something?" Konan asked, obviously confused.

"Yeah… that's it…"

"Well sing all ready!!!" Kisame said happily.

Mumble, mumble.

_No sir _

_Well I don't wanna be the blame _

_Not any more_

_It's your turn_

_To take the heat _

_We're settling the final score_

_And why do we like to hurt so much_

_I can't decide_

_You have made it harder _

_Just to go on_

_And why all the possibility _

_Well I was wrong_

_That's what you get_

_When you let you let your heart win_

_Whooooooooooaaaaaa_

_That what you get_

_When you let your heart win_

_Whoooooooooooooaaaaaaaaa_

_I drown out all my sense with _

_The sound of it's beating_

_And that's what you get_

_When you let your heart win_

_Whoooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaa_

_I wonder_

_How I'm supposed to feel _

_When your not here_

_Cause I burned every bridge_

_I ever built_

_When you were here_

_I still try_

_Holding on to silly things_

_I never learn _

_Oh why_

_All the possibilities_

_I'm sure you heard _

_That's what you get_

_When you let you let your heart win_

_Whooooooooooaaaaaa_

_That what you get_

_When you let your heart win_

_Whoooooooooooooaaaaaaaaa_

_I drown out all my sense with _

_The sound of it's beating_

_And that's what you get_

_When you let your heart win_

_Whoooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaa_

_They make you wait to me_

_To me_

_And I'll always be just so inviting _

_If I ever start to think straight_

_This heart will start a riot in me_

_Let's start _

_Start_

_HEY_

_Why do we like to hurt so much?_

_Oh why do we like to hurt so much?_

_That's what you get_

_When you let you let your heart win_

_Whooooooooooaaaaaa_

_That what you get_

_When you let your heart win_

_Whoooooooooooooaaaaaaaaa_

_I drown out all my sense with _

_The sound of it's beating_

_And that's what you get_

_When you let your heart win_

_Whoooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaa_

_Now_

_I can't trust myself with_

_Anything but this and_

_That's what you get_

_When you let you let your heart win_

_Whooooooooooaaaaaa_

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"WHAT?!?!"

"You sing really good," Konan said, while everyone nodded their heads. "_REALLY_ good."

"Especially since it was a girl song," Pein said staring at Deidara.

"It was Jashin!!! He blessed you with an awesome voice!!!" Hidan, obviously, said. Everyone turned to him and threw something at him.


	3. Chapter 3

1**So here it is , Chappy 3!! Happy March… or February… or May… or whatever month it is iwhen I do publish this… So thanks for the reviews!! You're all awesome!! I just realized it's June!!**

**#!!#**

"Man, TV just sucks more and more every day…" Sasori whined, clicking through the channels. Deidara was trying to sneak out of the room because every time Sasori had said something that was even related to 'I'm bored' it meant Deidara was in for a lot of embarrassment and humiliation. Sasori was just a _little_ faster than Deidara and called him back in before he could completely leave. "Deidara!! Get back in here!!"

"What, un?" Deidara hissed.

"I'm bored."

"What do you want me to do? Bring in a bunch of world class gymnasts and have them jump over Zetsu? Or bring in a tap dancing elephant!?" Deidara screamed just as Konan walked in, "Or would you like me to DDR for you!?"

"Sure!!" Sasori said happily.

"I wanna see this!!" Konan yelled from the back of the room.

Deidara froze in his tracks and slowly turned around, "W-when did you get here?" he asked, mentally thinking _Oh shit not only am I going to embarrass myself in front of Sasori but now the whole Akatsuki has to see it!! _Before you could say peanut butter jelly time Sasori had _two_ mats out, the game running, and the song picked out. "Why are there two mats? Are you gonna dance with me?"

"Hahaha-no," Sasori snickered.

"Is Konan?"

"Oh, HELL NO!! "

"Um then why are there two mats?" Deidara asked getting more scared by the second.

"Because you're gonna use both."

"Wha?" Deidara asked in pure disbeleifment (**my own word**).

"Yes, now hurry up and dance!!" Sasori had picked the song Sakura… which happens to be one of the hardest songs on the game.

Deidara looked at the mat, gulped, and stepped on. The song started playing and he got the first few notes and then the song whooped him so bad he would have cried if he weren't the manly man he was. (**Sure…**)

Konan was rolling on the floor laughing her ass off (**roflhao**) and Sasori… well… he was crippled with laughter. "Awww… shuuuut uuuuup, un… you try if you're so good!!"

"I was l-laughing at the part where you fell off the mat!!" Konan giggled.

"Gaaah!!" Deidara yelled and stormed out of the doorway that Tobi had happened to be walking through.

"Mom, Deidara-sempai is PMSing again!!" At that Deidara turned around, grabbed the closest thing, which was an ironing board, and beat Tobi into a wall with it.

"I. AM. NOT. A. _**GIRL, un!!"**_ Deidara screamed between hits.

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaah!! Mommy, help!!" Tobi shrieked to Konan.

"DEIDARA, STOP ATTACKING TOBI!! YOU KNOW HE NEEDS HELP!!" Konan shouted pulling Deidara off Tobi. "Now, Tobi, stop saying Deidara is PMSing. He's can't because he's a boy. Even if he is girly."

"HEY, UN!!"

"Ok, mommy. I-I-I need show you something." Tobi yelped, dragging Konan out by her sleeve.

"…"

"…"

"I'm bored again." Sasori complained to Deidara.

"Well, I'm sorry, but I got this thing for this person at this place to do, un." Deidara lied, walking backwards out of the room.

"Oh, really. Who?"

"Um… er… Hidan…?"

"Really, I thought Hidan and Kakuzu (**thanks for the correction**) were on a mission and wouldn't be back 'til later tonight."

"Yes, un!! Yes, you _are _right, _but_ he asked… me… to…"

"To?"

"To… to feed his pet bird!!" Deidara said, beaming, proud of himself for making such a good excuse on such short notice. Well, he was proud up until when Sasori asked, "Hidan has a bird?" The smile wiped off his face, Deidara thought quickly and came up with, "Yes well, he got it just last week so he could do some ceremony, un. He's gonna cut it up and burn it for Jashin."

"…"

"…"

"I don't believe you."

"God Dammit."

"Now entertain me."

"What could I _possibly _do to make you happy, un? As long as it doesn't involve lowering my intelligence/self worth (**insert inference**)."

"Well, I could have you go streaking through a crowded football field, but that would be cruel." Sasori stated while Deidara stared at him in disbelief. _Yeah, and DDR __**wasn't **__cruel. _"No, I just want you to put on a play."

"Wha?"

"Well, if you get Konan to do it, you got the entire Akatsuki, not including me." Deidara stared at him blankly… and stared… and stared… _Fuck!! FuckfuckFUCKME!! _And while Deidara stared, Konan walked in.

"Well, I finally got Tobi to calm down… Wassup?" Konan asked, looking at their expressions. Deidara then turned to her and said, "Konan you wanna be in a play?"

"Wha?"

"Well, see, I lost a bet to Sasori and have to put on a play, but I'm a terrible actre-er-"

"What's an actre-er?" Sasori questioned.

"Nothing. Now, as I was saying, you are such a way better actress then me so you should show off your fantastic talent and play lead role!!"

"I'll do it!! I've been waiting for a time to show the world my talent!! Thank you Deidara for giving me the chance!!" Konan squealed chibified and hugging a 'wtf'ing Deidara.

"B-but you c-can't d-do a pl-play w-without a cast be-behind you, un…" Deidara gasped while Konan hugged the living shit out of him. "Konan… K-Konan… I can't breathe… Konan…" Deidara was turning blue and not talking anymore so Sasori interfered and said, "Konan, if you want a cast then you need to let go of Deidara before your death-hug kills him."

"Oh, sorry Deidara," Konan apologized letting go of Deidara and patting him on the head.

"Ow…" Deidara whined, rubbing his back. "So… what play, un?"

"Ummm… let's do Snow White and the Seven Dwarves," Konan suggested.

"Sure…"

"Yay!!" Konan yelped happily, going to give Deidara another hug.

"NO, UN!! NO MORE DEATH-HUGS!!" Deidara screeched, hiding behind the couch.

"Ok…" Konan mumbled, looking down.

"Well, you're gonna need more people for your play," Sasori stated. "And Deidara can't convince anyone."

"Hey, un!!"

"Oh, right… PEIN!! PEIN!! GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE!!" Konan screamed out of the room. They heard a bunch of steps (it's a really big place) and Pein came in.

"What, woman!? I mean, wonderful regular Akatsuki member that I'm _not_ banging…"

"Oh, shut up, now back to business. Everyone is on a mission now. By order of you from me."

"What kind of mission?" Pein asked, drinking from a coke can.

"A play."

Pein sucked in a little too much soda and he ended up spitting it all out, over the closest thing. That closest thing was Konan and Deidara. They ended up covered in a mixture of spit and soda.

"Awww!! Disgusting!!" they cried in unison. They both started to do the 'gross' dance (explained in earlier chapter) until Deidara grabbed the phone and chucked it at Pein's head. It reflected off with a loud, empty clang.

"You son of a bitch ass mother fu-" Pein started to yell at Deidara when Konan grabbed the vacuum cleaner, swung it over her head, and smashed it as hard as she could into Pein's leg. He fell to the floor while Konan smiled satisfactorily at the loud crunch that came from Pein's leg.

At that moment, Tobi walked in, looking from the heap that was Pein, the vacuum cleaner in Konan's hand, to Konan herself. He cocked his head to the side and said, "Mommy beat up Leader-sama… so is Mommy the new leader-sama?"

"No, no, no! I just… oh, where are Hidan and Kakuzu?!" Konan asked, agitated. "Kakuzu needs to heal stupid idiot over there!"

"I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts..._diddley dum_

Here they are standing in a row... _diddley diddley dum_

Tall ones short ones some as big as you're head" Hidan sang as he entered the room, followed by Kakuzu who looked like he was about to choke him and probably would if it wasn't pointless.

"You with the small ears!" Konan yelled pointing at Kakuzu, "Fix doofus!" She jabbed a finger at Pein.

"My ears aren't _that _small!" He glared at her then walked over to Pein, and asked "What she do this time?"

"Konan + Vacuum owie..."

"You sound like a Tobi."

"That's an insult beyond forgiveness!!"

Kakuzu healed Pein and then said, "Well, he should be fine, but please stay away from vacuums."

Deidara watched as Hidan hummed happily in the back of the room, "What you do to Hidan to make so happy, Kakuzu?"

"I didn't know you rolled that way..." Sasori mumbled.

"No, no, no!! I-I don't , h-he-he just killed someone!!" Kakuzu stammered.

"Oh, yeah, well, why is he singing about coconuts? Hmmm?"

"Um, well, I don't know, he's a freak!!" He looked at Hidan , "a little HELP!!"

Well, during this whole conversation Hidan hadn't been paying any attention. "Homie say wha?"

"You suck."

Konan looked around thinking what complete idiots they were when she remembered about the play. "Um, Pein, remember, new mission!"

"Oh, must I?"

"Yes, or you'll be on the couch tonight."

"Fine, fine, fine! Ok, well... see..." Pein looked around and noticed Kisame, Zetsu, and Itachi weren't in the room. "Well, the rest of the Akatsuki needs to be here."

"Fine then," Konan said walking to the door, then screaming, "ITACHI!! KISAME!! ZETSU!! GET YOUR FAT ASSES DOWN HERE!!"

Two minutes later, Itachi walked in, followed by Kisame and Zetsu. Itachi glared at Konan and said, "What?"

"New mission, for _everyone_ this time. Pein continue."

"Well, s-see," Pein stammered, reluctant to continue (that is until he saw Konan's glare) then quickly said, "We have to put a some stupid play. It wasn't my idea, I swear!! Mutiny against her!! I'll join!!" He met Konan's death glare and whimpered, "_oh fuck, I'm dead..._"

Everyone's reactions are as followed.

Kakuzu made a '_twitch, twitch.'_

The black side of Zetsu screamed, "LET'S MUTINY!! I GET TO EAT HER!! While the white side mumbled, "Oh damn, I'd just calmed him down.

Itachi said, "Hn."

Kisame's fish stick fell to the ground. (He learned how to summon fish sticks.)

Hidan stared into space, completely unaware of the conversation around him.

Tobi jumped up and did the 'Tobi is a good boy' dance. (I'll explain it at the end of the chapter.)

Konan smiled and did her own little happy dance.

Pein flinched.

And, finally, Sasori laughed. Oh, yes. He _laughed._ As in, 'ha ha ha!! You've gotta do this!!' And so, there was no mutiny against Konan. Instead, Sasori was chased from the house by everyone except Tobi, Hidan, and Konan.

**#!!#**

**Three days later**

Konan explained to Pein what he was supposed to write for the programs for the play. They had decided to rename the play 'Konan White and the Seven Hobbits.'

"Now, while I go buy groceries, I need you to write _exactly_ what I tell you. _Exactly._ Do you understand? _Exactly._" Konan said handing Pein a stack of paper and six pencils. "I want you to write 'Konan... White... and... the... Seven... hobbits... Did you get that?"

"Yeah, yeah, sure..."

"_Exactly..._"

"Yes, I get it, _exactly..._ Now be on your way."

After she left, he threw the paper and pencils on the desk and went to his room to watch his soap operas that _no one_ knew about, which, meant _everyone _knew. An hour and a half later, he fell asleep. Three hours after that, he woke and remembered he had to write that stupid program. He rushed to the desk to find that Tobi had written on _all_ the paper except one sheet, and I mean_ all_. Every last piece of paper in the house was drawn on, front and back.

"I'm gonna kill you Tobi!!"

"But Tobi is a good boy!!" Tobi cried, running out of the room.

"Fucking idiot..." Pein sat and started writing, _Kon...an... white... a... n... d... the... Seven– _Just then Kakuzu came in the room.

"Zetsu ate the seventh hobbit."

"Oh poo, I just wrote this out..." Using a sharpie, Pein crossed out the word _seven_ and wrote _six_ underneath of the crossed out word. Kakuzu looked over his shoulder, then said, "You forgot to capitalize _white_..."

"Wha?"

"Let me see this." Kakuzu took it and crossed out _white,_ capitalized it, then said, "I can't believe you actually spelt Konan's name wrong..." Before Pein could say anything, Kakuzu had crossed out _Konan_ and wrote _Conan._

"YOU IDIOT!! YOU SPELL KONAN WITH A K NOT A C!!"

"How am _I _know that...?"

"You're kidding, right?"

"..."

"..."

"Just fix it..."

Pein shook his head and scribbled out _Conan_ and wrote it the right way. He wrote _hobtits_ on the paper.

Deidara walked in the room, and looking over Pein's shoulder, said, "You spelteded hobbits wrong."

"You said spelt wrong."

"Spelteded is a word so mleh!" Deidara stuck out his tongue out.

"Yeah , if you're a chick." Kakuzu and Pein said in unison.

"I'm not chick you dickwad–s." And he flipped them off. He then took the paper and fixed it. Well, that wouldn't last long because of... wait for it... wait for it...

"Heeeeeeeeeeres Tobi!!"

Everyone else: "God dammit!"

'What'cha doin'?"

"Nothing!" Deidara picked up the paper until Tobi took it.

"IT'S NOT PRETTY!!" Tobi ran off with the paper with Kakuzu, Pein, and Deidara chasing him. Two minutes later, Tobi handed back the paper.

"YOU SPELT HOBBITS WRONG!!" Deidara screamed.

"IT LOOKED FINE IN DEIDARA'S GIRLY HANDWRITING!!" Kakuzu yelled.

"You bitch-ass mother fucker!!" And Deidara beat him into a bloody undefinable mass of jell-O.

Tobi poked it with his foot. He giggled, "It jiggles..."

"What you do?" Deidara asked Kakuzu as he jumped of the ceiling, completely unscathed.

"I used my own original jell-o clone." He beamed while everyone else (excluding Tobi) sweatdropped.

Well after Deidara fixed the sign, they drove to the printers' they handed Tobi the paper and said, "Tobi DO NOT WRITE ON THIS!! Understand?"

"Uh, huh!" Just in case, they searched him and took away all writing utensils.

In the back of the car, Tobi being Tobi, he summoned a sparkly pink pen. He drew little hearts all over it and little unicorns and little stars and it wath oh tho pretty and tho thparkly (Notice my lisp).

Deidara took the paper. "WHO LET TOBI GAYIFY THE SIGN!?"

"Um, whatever... just get it printed." Deidara handed the man the sign and he had to stifle the snicker that was threatening to come out.

Now armed with 499 copies of the sign (the 500th Tobi made into a origami rock) they returned home.

**#!!#**

**Tank u sooo much 4 te reviews I happy I **_**finally**_** finished it sorry 4 te delay stupid school... i's hate it .**


	4. bonus chappy un

**Ok, you're the best so you get a bonus chappy!! 3 **

**Konan White and the Seven- scratch that, Six- no, Five Hobbits and a Fairy: Part I**

**!!#!!**

Deidara stood watching as Konan looked at herself in the mirror, she twirled, look again, twirl again, look at herself again, and repeat. It was quite tiresome. She did it about five more times 'til Deidara burst out, saying, "Do you like it or not, un?!"

"I like it!!"

"Good, now let's go!! We have to be on in half an hour, un." Deidara looked at his watch and thought _Geez, we've been here an hour already, but at least she finally picked one._

"Oh isn't that one cute!!" Konan squealed pointing to one of the dresses across the room. Deidara had to admit it was pretty cute and maybe Konan could try it on… _SHUT UP!! DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF, UN!! _**Awww, but it's cute…** _WE HAVE TO GO NOW!!_

Deidara sighed. "Konan it takes half an hour to get back to the hideout, un, and the play starts in half an hour so let's go!!"

"B-but the dress is so cute!!" Konan cried while Deidara dragged her out after paying for her dress.

At the hideout, Deidara changed into his out fit. Since he was the most feminine of the guys,_ he_ had to be the evil _queen. _This had been decided without him and he was forced into it. Oh man, was he pissed. Many people got beat into walls that day.

Well, the costume was definitely interesting. First of all, it was a dress. That just made it funny. Sasori had picked it out, so it was baby blue and sparkly with ribbons and bows covering it (not very evil queen–ish but it was Sasori who picked it out). This made it really, really funny. Then one spotted the crown upon his head. Big, fluffy, and blue, it was just the icing on the cake. This made the costume fucking hysterical. Sequins covering it, feathers jutting out at random points, and on top, a white dove (stuffed of course) perched with a freaky 'I'm gonna kill you all! Mwahahahahaha!' look on its face. Oh, this costume was gut-busting, knee-slapping, rolling-on-the-floor-laughing, Neji-and-Gaara's-baby (which would be reeeeeally funny) fucking HYSTERICAL!! The best word to describe this costume is just _WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW._

Deidara stared at the crown. It weighed like 20 pounds or something. And he had to where the thing for half an hour too? Man this was going to be a long night.

Outside of Deidara's room, Kakuzu and Hidan were arguing over who had to tell Deidara that it was time to go on stage.

"You go in! I still have the chance of dying! Where as you don't have to worry about that!" Kakuzu glared at his partner.

Hidan glared back. "Yes well it still hurts!"

"I thought you were a masochist!"

Smiling bitterly, Hidan snapped, "Well that pain's fun and people die from it! It's fun pain!"

"Yes, but–" Kakuzu was interrupted by someone screaming "WHO THE HELL DID THIS SIGN!?"

"Oh, shit she found the signs." Hidan weighed his possibility of survival between Deidara and Konan. Either way he was going to get pummeled. "Why don't I go get Deidara? Ok, bye!"

He entered the room and suppressed a snicker. Wow. Deidara's outfit was definitely entertaining. "Erg... we gotta get on stage..." And he couldn't hold it anymore. He laughed and laughed and laughed. That is until Deidara smiled a malicious, sadistic smile and gave him the middle. "I'd rather not thank you."

"I never said it would be me, Ms. Kakuzu." And Deidara left the room. It took Hidan a whole half a minute to get it.

Deidara joined the group that consisted of Itachi, Kisame, Kakuzu, Pein, Zetsu, and a fuming Konan. They all snickered and Deidara said, "Go fuck yourselves." in response. He looked around at the group and asked, "Where's fucking retard?" Meaning Tobi.

"Idk, off being Tobi, probably."

"Tobi is a good fairy!!" And Tobi ran full speed into Deidara. And when he said Tobi was a good fairy, he meant it. He was supposed to be one of the hobbits. Well, since Tobi is a doubie, he dressed as a _fairy_. Yes, a fairy. With a pink, sparkly, fluffy, pretty tutu. And he had replaced his 'normal' (if Tobi can be 'normal' at all) mask with a pink swirly mask, covered with sequins. On his back was a pair of white shiny see-through wings and he had a pink, heart wand.

"What. The. Fuck? You're supposed to be a hobbit, not a fairy. This is Konan _white!! NOT_ Sleeping Konan or whatever, un!! Konan White, as in Snow White!! You know the movie or the book, the fairy tale, un!!" Deidara stomped off.

"What? I thought it was Sleeping Konan!! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!! Mommy, he's so mean!!" Tobi cried and hugged Konan.

"Get it off!! You're way too old to be my son!!" Konan grabbed Tobi by the head and flung him across the room.

"Get on stage!!"

"Isn't Deidara on now?" Hidan asked, looking over everyone's heads.

Kakuzu smacked him the back of the head. "No! Itachi is the narrator. Jeez, you idiot!"

With his signature 'hn', Itachi walked on stage. "Once upon a time, you were all weak... and you still are. You want to know why you are weak? Because you lack the sexiness only one ninja has ever obtained. Me. And you shall never obtain the sexiness required to beat me... or be me. So all you haters out there... give it up. And to my fangirls... please stop trying to rape me and I'll stop killing you. It's really quite simple..."

Back stage, everyone was basically sweatdropping.

On stage, Itachi was continuing his rant. "... Oh, and Sasuke just give up... I know you wish to be as awesome as me, but you never will be... Also, Sasuke, Naruto will never fall i–" And his 'speech' was stopped by Konan's shoe flying and hitting him in the back of the head, along with her yelling, "Say the script!! Or at least what you can remember of it!!"

One of Itachi's veins popped out and throbbed and he said, "Sorry weaklings... Once upon a time... uh... they all lived happily ever after."

Back stage, Konan shoved a script into Hidan's hand and ordered, "Go give this to Itachi... that stupid mass murderer..."

Hidan shuffled on stage, handed the script to Itachi and rushed off. Itachi looked at the script, repeating the... gist of what it said. "Once upon a time, a pretty (though not as pretty as me) queen lived. And she had a beautiful step-daughter… yada, yada, yada… basically crazy queen lady don't like her step-kid so she gotta wear rags and whatever…"

And Itachi walked off stage. Back stage, the stage manager told Deidara to get on stage and the 'magic mirror' was rolled on. Deidara stood in front of the mirror and said, "Yo mirror-bitch ain't I pretty?"

"Yeah, yeah, keep telling yourself that…" The mirror was Sasori. His only role.

Itachi walked back on stage, being the narrator, and said, "Mirror-bitch said that every day when crazy queen lady asked until…

"Yo mirror-bitch ain't I pretty?"

"No you're fucking ugly, you smell like horse shit, you're fat, and you look like Hidan's ass-wipe."

Deidara's eyebrow started to twitch and he said, "Yes, well, mirror-bitch better shut the fuck up or I'm gonna smash you to tiny smithereens…" Deidara glared at Sasori. "So who's the fucking whore that's prettier than me?"

"Konan White is way prettier than you." And Sasori disappeared behind a curtain.

"Must kill." There was silence that followed Deidara's line until Itachi realized he was supposed to be narrating.

"Erg… And so crazy queen lady called her servant dude. And told her go kill Konan White." Hidan walked on stage wearing a pair of tight leather pants and a too-small vest.

"Um, my queen… what's up with this fucking costume?! It's too god damn small!! Oh, right… whatcha want?"

"Take my stepdaughter and kill her." He pulled out a box. "Put her heart in this boxy thingy…"

"Yes, ma'am!" He left as quickly as he could with the too small costume. Deidara walked off the stage too.

Basically, through out this whole thing so far, the audience had been cracking up. Itachi glared at them until they were silent and said, "And so the servant dude took Konan White into the woods saying they would 'pick wildflowers.' Wow, you know what this sounds like? It sounds like he's gonna rape her!! Doesn't it?!" Konan's shoe came and hit him in the head again (the other shoe). Hidan and Konan walked on stage and Konan pretended like she was picking flowers while Hidan pulled out a knife. "And he was going to kill her…" Hidan lifts the knife up like he's going to stab her. "But…" Itachi looked around the room, "he couldn't!"

Hidan dropped the knife and said, "I can't do it, my queen, I-"

He never finished what he said because Konan kneed him in the nuts. "Ha, that should teach you to mess with me for I am…" superhero pose "Konan White!!"

Sweat drops galore, my friend. Hidan curled in a little ball on the floor and Konan standing over him. Konan looked around the room, blinked, remembered her script, and said, "Oh… um… right… I'm supposed to be running… _right_…" And she ran off stage.

Someone came and dragged Hidan off the stage.

The audience sat in complete silence. They were shocked at how stupidly funny the Akatsuki were. Then the laughter they had been stifling burst out. Back stage, Hidan lay crying on the floor when Konan came over and nudged him with her toe, "You'll be fine."

Tobi walked over to Deidara, wondering about the script, "Um… Deidara, why's it say 'gay retarded fairy'?"

"Oh, we revised the script because of the current situation so just go out there. Tell Konan to get on stage too."

"Yes, ma'am!" Tobi said walking on stage.

"I'M A MAN, UN!!"

On stage, Tobi was repeating what the script said. "I am the gay retarded fairy, Tobi!! I shall grant Konan White one wish!!" The crowd was cracking up at Tobi's costume and his line.

Konan was also reading from her script. "Um… I… wish that… I could get away from the queen!!"

"Ok, then go to the ickle house dat way!!" Tobi pointed in about six directions before settling on one off stage."

"Thank you, oh great gay retarded Tobi!!"

Some where in the crowd, Tobi's girlfriend sat (don't ask me _how_ he got a girlfriend he just did) getting embarrassingly pissed by the second. She looked at her friends, which consisted of her sister, Tanka, Gaara, Temari, Shikamaru, Tenten, Neji, Ino, Kankuro, Kiba, Hinata, Naruto, and Anko. _Oh, when I get my hands on that boy I'm going to murder him, resurrect him, and murder him again… and resurrect him again._

Kiba leaned over to Tanka and whispered, "Who's the evil witch? She's kinda hot."

Next to him, Anko started cracking up. "Kiba, I didn't know you rolled that way!!"

"What?"

"That's Deidara."

"Homie say wha?"

"You know, the blonde hair," Anko pointed at her mouth than her hand, "the _mouths_ on his _hands_."

"Oh my Jashin… I just said a dude was hot… ok, no one heard that!" Kiba gave shifty eyes.

"Sure we didn't… And Gaara isn't a Sexybeast." Tanka said, chuckling.

"Gag!"

"Well, at least, I know girls from boys, Kiba."

Back on stage, the curtain had closed and they were setting up the second set. Every one who was on earlier was changing into different costumes. Deidara was a hobbit now and his outfit as almost as bad as it was with the evil queen. It was a too small, bright blue, and had a giant red bow on the back. _I hate Sasori…_

**!!#!!**

**Poor Tobi, he's gonna get beat to a bloody pulp… Kiba's into to dudes now… Itachi's ranting… and Hidan got kneed in the nuts… wow, how do I come up with this retarded shit…?**

**Konan White and the Seven- scratch that, Six- no, Five Hobbits and a Fairy: Part II next time!! Peace out!!**

**-Tanka ;3**


	5. Chapter 5

1**Konan White and the Seven, scratch that, Six, no, Five Hobbits and a Fairy Part II**

**#!!#**

As Deidara walked to the stage he thought _Is my secret worth this? Seriously... If they learn it, I'll probably be made fun of, but that would be easy to fix, just beat the shit out of them... I'll also most likely be kicked out of the Akatsuki... well that's not too bad... That means I won't ever ever see these people again... But what about the audience... I can kill them if necessary... but that would be a really big massacre... it would be fun though... it would be my biggest art display ever... My best yet... Just think... 'Former Member of Akatsuki Blows Up Whole Auditorium Full of Hundreds of People'... oh but there are children out there... poor little kids... maybe I can offer free beer and lure all the adults to some place and blow them all to smithereens... I might even get some teenagers... I hate teens... but I'd have to put lots and lots and lots of clay on Sasori... he won't even be smithereens... he'll be– _He was interrupted in his thoughts by Konan yelling in his ear, "EARTH TO DEIDARA!! YOU HAVE TO GO OUT ON STAGE NOW!!"

"OW!! Oh, right thanks!" All the Hobbits had shoes attached to their knees so they had to shuffle around on their knees so they would seem shorter. Deidara got on his knees and grabbed his prop, which was a Styrofoam pickax and got in the line of Hobbits. Those Hobbits included Deidara, Itachi, who was 'hn'ing the whole time, Hidan, complaining, Kakuzu, talking about how expensive this was, Kisame, staring into space, Pein, looking scared to death (slight major stage fright), Zetsu, staring at the audience (you know he wants to eat them), and the fairy, Tobi, still wearing his pink tutu.

They shuffled out onto stage, singing a bunch of random "hi-hoes" and mumbling the parts they didn't know. Well, most of them, at least. Hidan started singing the dirty version of the song, "Hi-ho, Hi-ho. It's off to work we go. We paid two bits to see to two ti—" before he could finish Deidara smashed his 'pickax' into the back off Hidan's head, which broke and flew out into the audience. "Ow!! What the fuck Deidara?! What the hell was that for?!"

"Not that version, baka!!" Deidara whispered back. "There are small children in here and you don't want them to go home, singing about boobs."

"Fine then."

The group of hobbits... and the fairy, started to 'mine' the cardboard mountain that Kakuzu decided was suitable for their budget (I don't know why he's worried about money, they're all fucking millionaires). Konan came out on stage (to let you know, SHE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO) looked around while everyone stared at her in confusion, then realized she wasn't supposed to be out there, turned, and sprinted off. During her grand exit, she bumped Pein, and he fell straight into the 'mountain'. Well, guess what happened. That fell onto the rest of the hobbits, who fell off stage, right on top of the first row... and second row... and the fourth row... so basically if you were in the front, you were screwed. Everyone fell... except Tobi... who was on a wire from the ceiling... 'cause, you know... he's a fairy...

Well, anyway, as the hobbits attempted to get back up on stage, and pull the mountain back on stage again... it didn't work too well... they all ended up falling back into the crowd... Eventually, they got the mountain and themselves back on stage.

Well, by the time they achieved this, the crowd, including the ones that something had landed on, were all crippled with laughter. Tobi in an attempt to smooth that over, waved his wand and screamed, "YOU SAW NOTHING!! NOTHING!! USING MY AMAZING FAIRY SKILLS, I BANISH THIS MEMORY FROM YOUR MINDS!! CONSIDER YOUR MEMORY VANQUISHED!!"

As you can probably guess, this made them laugh harder.

Somewhere in the crowd, Hinoko (Tobi's girlfriend) was counting the ways she could kill Tobi while her sister and the rest of her friends were practically dying from laughing. _When I get my hands on that boy, he's going to be mentally and physically scarred for the rest of his life..._

Back on stage, they'd set everything back up and were trying to act like nothing had happened. The hobbits shuffled over to some little cottage (also made of cardboard) and Konan showed up out of nowhere.

"Yo, my bitch of a stepmother is trying to kill me so I'm living hear now. If you have an issue with that, I'll pummel you... Word."

"Yes, ma'am."

Itachi, being the narrator also, stood up and said, "And so this whore-bitch lived here–" Konan kicks him "For a while all was almost good with the world." He got kicked again. "While the evil queen had been plotting something and was coming to kill whore-bitch." Another kick. "She disguised herself as an old women

During this narration, Deidara had slipped off stage and changed into his third costume of the day, an old hag, which, by far, was the best one yet. The rest of the Akatsuki, and by that I mean Konan forcing the rest of the Akatsuki, object to Sasori's original costume selection. So it looked like it should.

He came back on stage and the rest of the hobbits... and fairy... were gone. The only one who remained was Konan. Deidara walked over to her and pulled an apple out of _nowhere_. "You want an apple?"

"No thanks, miss."

"Please buy this apple from me. Please, please." Deidara forced up some tears and sobbed, "I am but a poor maiden whose husband is dead and children are starving. Please buy this apple from me."

The audience had shut up and were sitting in disbeliefment at the fact that they had gotten someone with real talent in this thing. It seemed Konan was shocked also and it took her a second to respond. "O-of course I'll buy an apple from you..." She handed Deidara money (monopoly money) and took the apple. She looked at Deidara then took a bit, and fainted dead.

Deidara cackled as he walked off the stage. Once of stage, he ran and changed again into his hobbit costume and once he got to the assembled group, he spotted the reason why they weren't on stage yet. Kisame had taken the liberty of changing his costume... he was supposed to be a hobbit the whole play... "What?! If Tobi can be a fairy, I can be a merman."

Oh, yes, he was wearing a fish tail that was shiny and blue, no shirt, and seaweed was draped across his shoulders. "..."

"Deidara are you ok–"

"YOU MOTHER FUCKING IDIOTS!! CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT THE PLAY WE'RE DOING IS _**SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARVES?!**_ NOT SLEEPING BEAUTY OR THE LITTLE MERMAID OR CINDERELLA OR HANS AND GRETEL OR BEAUTY AND THE BEAST OR THE PRINCESS AND THE PEA OR RAPUNZEL OR THE FROG PRINCE OR TOM THUMB–" he inhaled suddenly (he had said that in one breath) and started up again "OR RUMPLESTILTSKIN OR THE FISHERMAN AND HIS WIFE OR ALADDIN OR ALICE IN WONDERLAND OR ANYTHING ELSE!! The play we are doing is" he says this very, very slowly "Snow... White... and... the... Seven... Dwarves..."

They headed on stage and found Konan on the ground.

"Oh, teh, noes!! Konan white is deeeeaaaaad...ed!!" Tobi screamed, 'flying' in little circles and flailing his arms and legs around, sprinkling magic fairy dust. Kisame rolled out on stage in a giant motorized fish bowl, when he saw Konan and screamed then swam in circles. All the other hobbits, not including Deidara, followed suit and started to run in little circles while Deidara sat shaking his head when Tobi yelled, "Only true love can save her now!!"

At that point, Pein popped out of the trap door in the stage in a prince costume... he looked gay. He walked over to Konan and pulled a glass shoe out of nowhere. "Maybe if we put her glass slipper on her foot she'll come back." And he put the shoe on... and nothing happened... "Wait, why isn't this working..." He starts shaking from all the people staring at him. "K-Konan y-y-you r-really need t-t-to w-wake up... u-um Konan...?"

Deidara whispered to him, "You idiot you have to kiss her!!"

"W-what?"

"Make out with Konan."

"OK!!" And that's what he did. He made out with Konan. And made out with her... and made out some more..

"Um... Pein... P-Pein... THIS PLAY IS RATED PG!!"

"PG-_13._" Pein said before making out again.

"Did you just change the rating?!" Deidara didn't get an answer this time. He looked around then signaled for someone to close the curtain, then he said to the audience, "That's our sho come again!!" He finished his sentence just as th curtain closed. "Um Konan... Pein...? Oh, screw it..." He went to the dressing room and changed out of his costume.

During while the pay was going on, somewhere in the crowd, Hinoko (you know) decided she was going to step on Tobi's throat and kill him slowly. Her sister, Tanka, had eventually stopped laughing long enough to say, "Well, at least Tobi isn't the only one who is not a hobbit like they're supposed to be." She pointed to Kisame and said, "So how will you kill him, then?"

"Slowly and painfully."

"Have fun with that."

**Konan White and the Seven, scratch that, Six, no, Five Hobbits and a Fairy FIN!!**

**Hope you enjoyed it!! Next chapter... YOU FIND OUT THE SECRET!! IT'S LAST CHAPTER!! T.T **

**What will the secret be? None of you know...To let you know, it's not that Deidara is a girl... What is it then, you ask? READ THE NEXT ONE TO FIND OUT!!**

**ALSO!! Please do the poll on my profile... sorry I forgot other... just choose from what's there...**

**PEACE!!**


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